Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
