peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
