i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
