nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
