I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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