Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
