Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Are we still banned from the library?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
