My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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