my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
