Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
