Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize