That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
