my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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