i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
