Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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