She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
