dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize