That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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