i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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