You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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