The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
