I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
