I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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