i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
