She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
