He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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