____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
