when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
