I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
