Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
