were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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