a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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