He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
