She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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