Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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