I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
