I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
