best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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