There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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