No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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