somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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