So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Randomize
