I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
