I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He called his prostate his "boner button".
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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