there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
