So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
