Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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