I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
