First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
