did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize