Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
