if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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