I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I AM VODKA MAN
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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