We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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