I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
