roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she peed on how many people?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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