Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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