I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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